Ever have those days when you're absolutely exhausted but when you try to fall asleep your brain won't let you? Where you end of thinking over everything that you just have to do. Whelp... Guess what? Yep. That's right. Except starting this very minute (well ok a few hours ago but who's keeping track) things have gone back to their normal craziness!!! Woot woot!!!
As I lay here in bed thinking (a dangerous night time activity) I got thinking about the beauty of friendship. The camaraderie that comes with having people to do life with, to live through similar life experiences with, to learn things with. Having that friend or friends whom you know will always be there for you, be moral support for you and for whom you can be the same. To have those people who will push you when you need a good solid push, who will pull you when you need to be pulled back and won't let you get away with anything. Well ok they might let you get away with somethings but they'll keep you in check.
Up until 2 years ago I never realized how hard it is for me to make friends. It's quite difficult actually. And for no particular reason other than my personality. Over the last 2 years I have had lots of time to contemplate this and it turns out there are a couple personality reasons for this. First, I'm an introvert... meeting people is not my forte. I often prefer large gatherings for the simple reason that it is easier to hide. I am a master at hiding in plain sight. If a wall needs holding up I am your girl. Second (piggybacking on the introvert part) I do better meeting people when I feel well rested. Which is kinda not happening right now. The more tired I am the more insecure I feel therefore the less I feel like putting myself out there to meet someone new.
However, out of a need for survival I have somehow made friends since being in a new city. Loneliness is a cruel master. When your closest friends are 4 hours away you will do most anything for someone to commiserate with, to laugh with, someone who gets your corny jokes, who knows what you mean when you are exhausted and not making any sense whatsoever. When you start reading out loud to your pet fish you know you need human contact.
It's interesting how much you can learn about yourself in a year, how much you can grow in a year. It's funny, I thought I was such a boring person last summer, but I think this summer I am even more boring. All I want to do is sleep. My sense of adventure is waning. It's still there, it just takes more effort then it used to. Like Merry in the Lord of the Rings, I used to get everyone into trouble, sometimes getting them back out again, usually succeeding at getting myself out for sure. Believe you me, I am quite mischievous. I stick quickly and quietly. I keep my ears open while holding up those afore mentioned walls. ;) And yet all those adventures happened with people!! People I care about!! Solo adventures aren't quite the same, like who ever goes on an adventure with themselves then years down the road says "Self remember that one time way back when you were just a whipper snapper and you did that one thing"? No!!! Nobody does that!!! Ok somebody might, but its not as fun as rehashing it with other people who were there with you and all the different perspectives and all that.
Over the last couple weeks I have been encouraged by the friendships that I have made in my first year of living in Portland. My church family has been the best ever. I couldn't have asked for a better church family then Door of Hope. My ASL classmates have looked out for me just as much as my church family. I can't wait to be the cool kid next year when I get into the program and I know all the second years. And my roommates have been awesome. I think they have seen me cry more then anyone this last year. Which by the way happened more then I care to admit.
Don't underestimate the value and worth of having friends. Let your friends know often how much you appreciate them. Life happens. But don't let that be an excuse for not sending that text, email or card. Don't let it be an excuses to give them a hug, to tell them you are praying for them, thinking of them. Tell them these things, don't assume that they know. Your silence could be telling them that you no longer value their friendship. Don't give up on them if they can't make it to the next 20 social gatherings that you are hosting!!!! Trust me it's not that they don't want to be there, because they do!! It's just that their schedule is crazy over the top full! They really want to be there! Not receiving an invite, even if they have to say no, is more devastating then being given the opportunity to turn it down themselves. It's better to be invited and have to decline then to hear about it later on social media and wonder why you weren't invited.
Anyway, hope you all were able to sleep and fast. I have decided that I am not a night owl or a morning bird... just a permanently exhausted pigeon. Yep... But this too shall pass, I hope.
