a great song

Thank Goodness

Some Times Fun is in Order

After going for 6 weeks straight I finally have a full day to just be. It's weird! I keep watching the clock and checking my schedule and email to make sure that I am not missing something. But it's also really nice. I slept in this morning (you know you've reached some semblance of adulthood when sleeping till 9:30am is considered sleeping in.) I've basically just read all day, and reading for fun!! Which as you can imagine with school that also doesn't happen a lot. Guys!! I literally got 10-11 hours of sleep last  night!!!! It felt so good!!! 

 Yes my books of choice today were Star Trek related!!! I'm sure that comes as no surprise ;) But hey at least they're easy reads.

I also thought about going outside today, but I thought about it to long and it became really hot, soooo that part might have to wait till later when it's a tad bit cooler.


But yes... besides a smidgen of work, and I mean the smallest amount I have a day to just be. And No I will not touch my homework till tomorrow :)

Late Night Musings

Ever have those days when you're absolutely exhausted but when you try to fall asleep your brain won't let you? Where you end of thinking over everything that you just have to do. Whelp... Guess what? Yep. That's right. Except starting this very minute (well ok a few hours ago but who's keeping track) things have gone back to their normal craziness!!! Woot woot!!! 

As I lay here in bed thinking (a dangerous night time activity) I got thinking about the beauty of friendship. The camaraderie that comes with having people to do life with, to live through similar life experiences with, to learn things with. Having that friend or friends whom you know will always be there for you, be moral support for you and for whom you can be the same. To have those people who will push you when you need a good solid push, who will pull you when you need to be pulled back and won't let you get away with anything. Well ok they might let you get away with somethings but they'll keep you in check. 

Up until 2 years ago I never realized how hard it is for me to make friends. It's quite difficult actually. And for no particular reason other than my personality. Over the last 2 years I have had lots of time to contemplate this and it turns out there are a couple personality reasons for this. First, I'm an introvert... meeting people is not my forte. I often prefer large gatherings for the simple reason that it is easier to hide. I am a master at hiding in plain sight. If a wall needs holding up I am your girl. Second (piggybacking on the introvert part) I do better meeting people when I feel well rested. Which  is kinda not happening right now. The more tired I am the more insecure I feel therefore the less I feel like putting myself out there to meet someone new. 

However, out of a need for survival I have somehow made friends since being in a new city. Loneliness is a cruel master. When your closest friends are 4 hours away you will do most anything for someone to commiserate with, to laugh with, someone who gets your corny jokes, who knows what you mean when you are exhausted and not making any sense whatsoever. When you start reading out loud to your pet fish you know you need human contact. 

It's interesting how much you can learn about yourself in a year, how much you can grow in a year. It's funny, I thought I was such a boring person last summer, but I think this summer I am even more boring. All I want to do is sleep. My sense of adventure is waning. It's still there, it just takes more effort then it used to. Like Merry in the Lord of the Rings, I used to get everyone into trouble, sometimes getting them back out again, usually succeeding at getting myself out for sure. Believe you me, I am quite mischievous. I stick quickly and quietly. I keep my ears open while holding up those afore mentioned walls. ;) And yet all those adventures happened with people!! People I care about!! Solo adventures aren't quite the same, like who ever goes on an adventure with themselves then years down the road says "Self remember that one time way back when you were just a whipper snapper and you did that one thing"? No!!! Nobody does that!!! Ok somebody might, but its not as fun as rehashing it with other people who were there with you and all the different perspectives and all that. 

Over the last couple weeks I have been encouraged by the friendships that I have made in my first year of living in Portland. My church family has been the best ever. I couldn't have asked for a better church family then Door of Hope. My ASL classmates have looked out for me just as much as my church family. I can't wait to be the cool kid next year when I get into the program and I know all the second years. And my roommates have been awesome. I think they have seen me cry more then anyone this last year. Which by the way happened more then I care to admit.


Don't underestimate the value and worth of having friends. Let your friends know often how much you appreciate them. Life happens. But don't let that be an excuse for not sending that text, email or card. Don't let it be an excuses to give them a hug, to tell them you are praying for them, thinking of them. Tell them these things, don't assume that they know. Your silence could be telling them that you no longer value their friendship. Don't give up on them if they can't make it to the next 20 social gatherings that you are hosting!!!! Trust me it's not that they don't want to be there, because they do!! It's just that their schedule is crazy over the top full! They really want to be there! Not receiving an invite, even if they have to say no, is more devastating then being given the opportunity to turn it down themselves. It's better to be invited and have to decline then to hear about it later on social media and wonder why you weren't invited.

Anyway, hope you all were able to sleep and fast. I have decided that I am not a night owl or a morning bird... just a permanently exhausted pigeon. Yep... But this too shall pass, I hope.

SO much Beauty

why is Star Trek Music so good!!!

Star Trek Music!!!

Favorite Pic of myself

Seasons

Needless to say there are some seasons that a person just can't wait for them to end. Like seasons when you are carrying 17 credits at school 14 of them language credits and working 30 hours a week. to top off that crazy busy season you decide you don't have enough going on so you throw in a move across town, because that is what every sane person does right?!!?!!! My social calendar is none existent to say the least.

I don't say all this to brag, I say this because I feel like you deserve an explanation of my seemingly flakiness when it comes to social events. Even if I am unable to come to the last 20 events please keep inviting me!! It's not that I don't want to come its more likely that I can't or that my sleep deficit is such that I need to get some sleep fast or everything is will suffer. Even if I say that I am coming and then at the last minute pull out, again sleep takes priority in that moment. Looking back at pictures from the last 10 months there is a definite progression in how tired I look. And I am legitimately that exhausted.

My mantra I feel like is "Oh don't worry!!! If I can make it through this week life will calm back down!" Don't believe me!!!! Don't let me believe me!!! This is my life for the next 3 years!!!! There are times when I have to remind myself that college is a choice. It's not mandatory. I don't have to go to college. Neither do you. But... after a lot of thinking and praying I have realized that there is no better place for me to be then here, in school, training to become an American Sign Language Interpreter. God has me here for a reason. I'm loving school. I'm loving Portland. I'm loving work. Heck I'm even dreaming in ASL now!!!!! That's a good sign. (No pun intended.)

That doesn't mean that I don't still dream of sleeping for 6 months straight, or need a break now and then. But yes I have found where God wants me to be and I can rest in the fact that He will most likely teach me many more lessons than what happens in the classroom. He has already taught me so much in the last year.

I am reminded often, every day in fact, that everything worth doing costs a lot of blood and sweat. Sometimes (more often then I care to admit) I just want to throw in the towel and quite, How can something so difficult be so good. If it makes me cry this much is it really worth it.


But then I remember my first Joni and Friends Family Retreat. I cried every night for a week. I felt like the worlds biggest failure. I was stretched way beyond what I thought was possible for myself. I learned so much of the beauty and wonder of my God. If God can teach me so much in one week, just think of how much He can teach me in 3-4 years!!!!!!!!! There are days when I only make it through them because He is with me. On those days I am in constant prayer because if I am not the day will go south faster than you can count to 1.

If it's so hard then why do I stick with it? you might ask. Because when you King says go you go!!! I may not remember very much due to sleep deprivation, but there will be much that I learn and that will stick with me for the rest of my life. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger right?!?!?

Please stick with me. As you can see I don't have much to give. But that's not for forever. It is hard for me to say no to things that I want to be a part of, but I literally have no more time to give. What little time I have I protect as if it were the most valuable thing that I possessed, because in this season it is. If I have a couple free hours, chances are I'm not going to share them, not because I don't want to but because if I don I will be even more drained then I was before.


I'm in this complex season of life. I literally cry every time I am in the car. I cry because I know how needy I sound, how giving I sound. I am a mixed bag of who knows what. It drives me crazy.


My family and I were talking about the phrase "Giving it the college try" this last weekend. A phrase was never truer then that. I have never tried harder at anything then I have in the last 2 years, especially the last year. It doesn't matter what I try to do, it takes so much more effort to do anything as a working college student then it has in any other season in my life. I have never just wanted to lie in a hammock for 30 minutes in my life!!!! I'd take 15 minutes if that was all I could take.

Since I was a kid I have loved stories of missionaries, hearing about the hard times that it took for them to be the heroes that they are today, and always thinking that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. Be careful what you pray for!!!! If you pray for patience, I will pray for you!! Well guess what?!!!?!?! I prayed that someday I would become a missionary. That has been my prayer since I was 6 years old. My heroes? Jim Elliot and his team. Brother Andrew. Hudson Taylor. Joni Eariskson Tada. You guys!!!!!! I would say that I set myself for failure, but the pattern is the same. This is my testing ground.

Pray that I pass this testing. So often I am so tired that responding correctly is something that I worry about greatly. Pray that I will be able to eat 3 good meals a day, to counteract my lack of sleep. Pray that I can get enough sleep. Pray that I can redirect everyone in my path to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Pray that I will get some time to just be, without any expectations, without any drains on my reserves emotionally and spiritually.


"Do not pity the dead Harry. Rather pity the living. And above all, those who live without love." ~ Dumboldore

Soul Music

Paper Shields and Wooden Swords

cute turtle

For the 6months to a year I have wanted a turtle... this picture makes me want a turtle even more>

A Good Quote

"If I'm to die, at least tell me what I'm dying for?!" - Kirk

Those Summer Days

Those summer days when you are hot and sweaty, craving to sit in an ice chest full of ice and a cool drink, not wanting to move or touch yourself, the extra body heat not wanted or needed.

Those summer days when the musky scent of a passing field transports you back to childhood when those fields were your world, worlds of endless possibilities, where you fought with the best of the Jedi Masters, journeyed with Frodo towards Mordor or simply dreamed of what life might be.

Those summer days when wind blown, lake soaked hair and flip-flop tanned feet were the fashion.

Those summer days when you sit in the cool shade of an obliging tree with a beautiful, yellow paged book, who's rough pages smell divinely in the warm air.

Those summer days when those books become old friends, creating memories, experiences, dreams, and so much more. 

Those summer days when 3 months seems like an age, like you have all the time in the world to relax and have fun with friends.

Those summer days when you live in the pool only to be bribed out with a BBQed hamburger or hot dog.

Those summer days filled with ultimate frisbee games in the cool before dusk in an obliging park field. 

Those summer days when everything is well and good in the world and nothing seems like it will ever change or ever be bad again, because how could bad ever enter such a perfect world.

Those summers when summer reading programs were your life, and libraries offered much needed respite from the heat.

Those summer days filled with sleep overs, movie nights, late night swims, picnics, campouts, and so much more.

Growing up realizing that somehow the magic of those very same summer days has changed, changed because your season of life is changed, old friendships have changed, people have moved, you have moved, and somehow not so deep down you are still the same as in those summer days. Somehow you have lost the ability to create that same magic effortlessly, the ease with which it happened has somehow hidden itself away when the responsibilities and harshness of adulthood hit. Just think how much happier the world would be if we could keep that innocence, that magic, that wonder at the world.

Remember those summers when the stories inspired us on to greater things, to dream giant dreams, showing us the excitement of life?

Remember those summers when your favorite movie series released a new allotment and you had a movie marathon to prepare for going to the premier?

Remember those summers when you made it your goal to learn and master some new trick?

Remember those summers when the only shoes you wore (if you wore shoes at all) were flip flops?

Remember those summer days when you would live in your swimsuit?

Remember those summer days when you would sleep on the trampoline?

Never loose the magic.

Never ever let go of those memories, those carefree days.

Never give up on the campfire smell.

Some Star Trek

More great music

More summer music

Summer Music

Simplicity

When I was a little redheaded girl (way back when I was a kid) I had a stuffed rabbit that I took everywhere with me like literally he was the velveteen rabbit in the flesh. Well today at church during the very last song a little redheaded girl walked by me with her mom and she too had a stuffed rabbit!! It was like watching myself walk past!!

Just some Fun

Portland: The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Arthur.

It's 5 year mission: to make it through into the interpreting program and to come out of it alive.

Be the Change

Another Great song

I don't know what it is about this song that I like but I do.

Fun Stuff

So I found a park that I really like that has a good disc golf course. I have realized that the best time to get practice in there is to go during the day on a weekday. I need some serious target practice though!! I even looked up how to throw correctly! Definitely can't wait to get some practice in, some of the others that I have seen are really good.

Just a Little moment that made my Week

Traffic is simply a part in the city, more often then not including tired, mildly stressed adults who in a lapse of judgement finish their coffee just before hopping in the car. But occassionally there are moments when little bits of fun happen. On my way home from work today just as I was about to cross the St. John's bridge I let a school bus go ahead of me. Sitting in the back of the bus were about six 4th grade girls. As the bus was pulling in front of me I noticed that they were waving with happy abandon in farewell to the car that had previously been behind them they picked up the greeting with me. I waved back. They smiled excitedly and began to converse amongst themselves. Thinking that was all they wanted I was soon lost in my own thoughts. When I looked back at the bus they had a little note waiting in the window for me to read, saying that they liked my hair and sunglasses, to which I responded by signing THANK YOU. They smiled more and wrote more notes to which I responded with  more signs, we had a whole conversation, us 7, and the long minutes of sitting in a hot car or bus on a bridge went by swiftly and with much energy! Never underestimate the little things like conversations held in unique ways and like the bilingual one that happened on the bridge today. It was so precious to watch all 6 of them huddled around in the heat to create the next note that they wanted to present to me, and the teamwork involved when I responded. Made me smile the rest of the way home when my path moved away from theirs.

Made in the Image of God

Over the last several weeks I have learning a lot about Deaf Culture and reading a bit about the Civil Rights movement. While they aren't really related there was some overlap in what I was learning. 

NASA lead the way for integration especially in Virginia. If you haven't read this book yet I highly recommend it.

Another great read! 

The crayons on the left are labels that were given to Deaf people in the 1800s and before, and sometimes still. This piece was done by a Deaf artist named Ann Silver.

                                          

This painting and the one below are by a Deaf artist named Chuck Baird. His work is amazing.

 

My Sister Shelf

Relaxing Aquarium

Adventure with the Seesters

Not pictured is our adventure to the Evergreen Waves and Wings Water Park.

Bones McCoy

Just one of my favorites.

Why Do I Do the Things I Do

"What do you do for work?"



How does one answer that question when what you do is so multi-faceted? Or even when what you do is misunderstood or even thought of as heroic. Way to often when I answer this question people respond with, "Oh!!! How wonderful!! I bet you're just such a blessing to those people! You are just so perfect for that job!"

I don't know maybe I am good at it...
Maybe I bless the people I serve...
Maybe it is wonderful that I work in the field that I do...


But why wouldn't you give the same  kringe worthy cliches to people who are going to be engineers or construction workers or pet store clerks or even to the gas guy? Because it doesn't work the same way right?!?! You wouldn't even say that to a doctor or a nurse, but then again I could be wrong.

What I do is hard, yes. Stressful? you bet there are moments when it gets stressful. Physically exhausting? Without a doubt. Mentally exhausting even? Oh most definitely!  Sometimes, more often then not, all these things are felt at once in the most confusing array, to the point that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry... then sleep for 3 days straight.

There are times when my listening skills come in real handy... not just to hear how exactly a task should be done, but to hear past that task and see that the real reason for such description in detail is a last grasp at the last bit of control that is quickly slipping away.


I don't do my job because it's easy. I don't do it because I want praise for "being a blessing." I don't do my job because it's easy money. I don't even do it because I have the perfect temperament for it.

I do my job because I feel that God has called me to do it. I love my job, warts and all. It's not glamorous. There aren't any accolades to go with it. People don't know how to respond when I tell them what I do. I think the reason is because the demographic that I work for is still unseen by the larger society. And not just unseen but looked down upon as less than. It's messy work.

So in answer to the question... I am a caregiver for people with disabilities.


But in so many ways I'm not just there for the member of the family who has a disability, I'm there for the whole family. It's hard to explain. But with a job like mine I become an honorary member of the family while I work for them. Helping around the house, being part of important life events both the big and the small. My thoughts on a wide range of topics are solicited.

Seven years ago almost 8 now, I started volunteering with Joni and Friends, an organization that ministers to families and individuals affected buy disabilities. 2.5 years ago I started my job as a caregiver. To say that it has been all fun and games would be a lie. There have been some really amazing moments, moments that make my job so worth while. And there are moments that are not so glamorous.

I love my job. Even when I get home from a really long shift feeling like I can't get into bed fast enough.

I have learned so much and will continue to learn so much. No 2 clients are ever alike. If you have one client, you will never have another client like that one. Yes you will gain experience and it will come back to serve you well, but each person, each situation is going to be vastly different.


This job keeps you humble and dependent on God in all things. My prayer life has gotten so much better the longer I work in this field.

No... I'm not perfect. No I'm not the best caregiver in the whole wide world. No I'm not.
What I am though is willing to try, willing to make mistakes, willing to learn from those mistakes.

So next time someone tells you they are a caregiver, skip the cliches. Talk normally with them about it. Ask them questions if you don't understand something. If they can't answer a question for privacy reasons they will tell you. It's nothing personal, it's just not their information to talk about.

Sometimes a caregiver needs a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes we just need a listening ear to vent about things that are seemingly insignificant. Sometimes we need someone willing to be the distraction from any craziness that is happening in their personal or professional life. And sometimes they just need the world to understand that their social quotient has been used up for the week or month and that its not that they don't want to see you its that they don't have the energy emotionally or physically to leave the house.


So yes, I love what I do.

I am a caregiver.

My Current ASL Fun Stuff

This is Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky" poem in ASL. For those of you who don't know ASL this does not have subtitles so... yea you're on your own of this one.

My uncle showed this one to me, it has subtitles and is voiced... you will recognize it, trust me.

Adoption

If adoption is something that you are unable to do right now due to different things consider sponsoring a child through Compassion International or Child Fund International. Both are equally rewarding and are both ways to impact the life of a child for the glory of God and a way to change the world!

I love Music

More Music I like

That's how you change the world

Listening to this song obssively and wearing my "Be the Change" necklace.

Heidi

"Please, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important, don't let them forget me." ~ Heidi

Hello! It's Me!

It's been a while since I last posted, and I thought I would give a bit of an update. There is so much going on I don't even know where to begin. Well I guess I should start at the beginning of the new year since I haven't really done a good job over the last two months of actually writing.

So starting in January, I got to attend the Mission Connexion Conference and help run the Joni and Friends table in the exhibitor hall. Getting to hear Joni speak was such an inspiration, but she's always an inspiration. And she is one of the only hero's I have. I purposely don't have a lot heroes for the simple reason that we are all sinful human beings and I think it's wrong to hold someone up to such an unreasonable standard, and being as sinful as we are nobody's perfect and rather than build up false expectations only to be hurt when they fail is not healthy for anyone. That being said there are just certain people who have earned the title and Joni is one of those people. That was a bit of a rant, sorry about that. Also after dealing with copious amounts of snow for what seemed like ages finally got to start school after a week and a half delay. Every time it threatens to snow the whole city groans in protest. The poor school kids have almost a whole month tacked on to the end of their school year. For all of us college kids they just squashed everything together taking out a few things here and there. At church we barely had the First Friday Prayer and worship night due to the amount of snow and ice left over with a pending snow storm headed our way, but it was a much needed night of fellowship.

February was a mixed bag of emotions as a lot of life can be. Well ok as all of life is. I got to attend the Women's Retreat through my church and it was absolutely fantastic!!! It gave me the opportunity to solidify the relationships that I had been building at church on Sunday mornings in addition to adding to that list of friendships. After working on building my community back up it was nice to have something to show for it. Not long after that all three of my fishes died within 18 hours of each other. I even lost my voice for a whole week for the simple reason that I haven't talked and laughed so much in such a short amount of time in several months, my throat just wasn't ready for it.  My dad and his crew were up in Portland for a job so I would head over and hang out with them for a few hours, that was a blast. There were a few other things that happened in February but those will remain hidden for a while longer. They're nothing fun or exciting, well ok they were exciting but not in the fun way.

Needless to say I have started March completely exhausted, but the end of the term is just a couple weeks away (yikes!!! such a scary thought #readynotready). I just turned in all the paperwork to apply for the Sign Language Interpreting Program, and am now awaiting acceptance and my interview for the Program. What have I been doing the last several months you ask if not already in the Program? The Program requires a year of ASL and Gen Ed pre-reqs before being allowed to apply for the Program, but you have to have the paperwork in and be accepted by the Spring Term before the Fall term in which you start it. It's confusing I know, I just do what they tell me and hope that I don't miss something important. Actually the longer you look at the flow charts the more it makes sense, just take my word for it. Also I just learned that the Summer Term is only 5 weeks which is utterly terrifying!!! No Term should ever be that short!!! Oh well... I guess that's ok, it be over before I have time to get to worried right?!?!?!


I am looking forward to Spring break and then Spring Term. Spring Term will be the first term that will be 90% ASL classes and 17 credits, which will give me a better idea about how the next two years will look starting in the Fall. All good stuff. I'm loving my job! I couldn't ask for better families to work for.

One thing I can say for when I graduate is that I plan on hibernating for a couple months at least to catch up on what I know I will lose in the line of sleep. I might also have to do a solid coffee detox, but right now it's my life blood.

At the end of November 2016 I started reading the Harry Potter Books, and let's just say it's equalling my Star Trek Obsession. So yes it gets conflicting at times because there are moments when I want to just relax and reconnect with old friends through Star Trek, but then my need to know what happens next in the Wizarding World surges and there is an inner battle. (I may or may not be on the 6th book already.)

Well I hope that the rest of your March goes just splendidly and that the snow goes far, far away from all of Oregon, but particularly Portland (sorry Medford peeps my weather loyalties have changed.)

Live long and Prosper!

My Fishes

Thought I would make another fish post. Fishes are the bestest little friends. 

Captain Picard

Spock

Neelix

Moss Buddy's (but I thought they looked like Tribbles)

Books, Homework and Not Enough Time in the Week

So I started the new year sure that things were going to be smoother, I was going to have more time and I definitely had this college thing down after a year and a half of college. And to top it off I had just survived the last five months on my own. Well after the first week and a half of school was canceled due to snow and ice, and professors giving a lot of homework between class on Monday and  class on Wednesday. I can't believe it is already February! 

I hope your year is starting out great. I will write more later.

I just like these videos

Happy New Year

Well... It's 2017 now. Phew!! I am still working on my goals for this new year, I'm still recovering from the last few months. Actually I have been so focused for the last 12 months that I am just wanting to keep moving towards my goal but to coast from the momentum that I have gained for a while. Have you ever felt that way before? Like you have been moving a hundred miles a minute, working so hard towards your goal but not taking the time to smell the roses. Maybe that should be a goal. Maybe I need to learn to slow down, to enjoy the little things, to watch the clouds go by for a while.

My family knows that occasionally I get stuck on a piece of music, like I put it on repeat for at least a month. Usually it speaks to my soul in a way that it becomes all that I can think about, and I know a piece will be that piece for a while when it makes my heart stop when it starts and linger there for a while after it ends. A couple days ago I was listening to a spotify playlist that includes all of the Star Trek Soundtracks (shocking I know) when this song came on. The violin was what caught my ear first. It was haunting. I had to just listen. I included it here because it is just to wonderful not to share. It seems to fit that new year feeling of taking strength from the year before and using it for the new year ahead.