I don't even know what I was looking for the other day but for some reason my search lead me to looking on my student profile for Pacific Bible College (PBC). Because I have graduated there was no "Register for Next Term Here" buttons, no active classes showing, no homework reminders. I almost cried! What used to be so active and bustling and stress causing, was so cold feeling. Like going back to an old childhood haunt after years of being away, all the wonderful memories and hours spent there are beautifully preserved, but something is missing and you can't put your finger on it. Only in this case its only been two months. The year I spent at PBC was absolutely amazing! A year that I will always cherish. I learned so much and grew so much in that one year, preparing myself for not only the future but for the season that I am currently in. Portland Community College (PCC) is a good school also, and I am really enjoying the program I'm in, just also gigantic (at least it feels so to me) and has a different culture then PBC. (And no I didn't choose my schools for their acronyms on purpose, it was a complete and utter accident, one that confuses me all the time.)
It was sometime after my search for who knows what anymore, I received a care package! That did make me cry. But they were tears of joy (for once). I haven't received very much mail up here and so to have this surprise show up after a very long week was really nice. (I think I can count the junk mail I've gotten on two hands and I know I can count the fun mail on one. The Fun mail is the only mail that I hold onto ;) ) I always like fun mail, it brings a little bit of sunshine.
And for the costume, well I'm wearing my favorite hoody for Halloween today. That's it. Well, that's it as far as my costume planning went. But to redeem myself, I included a picture of when the other interns and I from Joni and Friends Cause for Life internship East Coast dressed up as farm animals. We did pretty good if I say so myself. We had two cows, two pigs, a sheep, a mouse, a duck and of course a Farmer. And we did it all on a budget and away from home. And just to clarify, we didn't run around D. C. as farm animals, it was part of a competition that was happening where we were serving. It is a memory I will always hold onto. PSA those plastic table cloths can get a tad toasty.
This was basically my weekend, all of these various things and lot's of work. Quiet, long, lot's of work. By the time Sunday hit I was exhausted. Stay safe tonight peeps. It's a wild world out there. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
Today I was watching this movie with a kiddo that I work for, and for some reason this scene really stuck with me. Made me a tad teary. Seems like it doesn't take much to do that recently though. But it's always good to remember that our Heavenly Father lives in us. Remember who you are in Him.
Taylor Swift's Wildest Dreams came on just as I noticed the heater making my room cozy. My little fan is moving air around, because my house is so airtight that I get a little claustrophobic without some kind of movement in the air. I miss being able to smell the outside wind.
All of this while giving my room a good clean, which is causing me to see items that I brought from home that I haven't looked at since being in Portland. Last week all of this would've elicited tears, profuse tears. I am still dealing with all the emotions, but they're not as raw as they were last week. But now I have a new paradigm.
I was in Medford over a weekend, went to church down there and had the immense blessing of reconnecting with so many people that I love and who love me. Little did I realize how much I was missed there. Which made it harder to come back. But when the next Sunday rolled around I was so happy to meet with the body of believers at Door of Hope!! I had missed getting to see them as well.
Which caused a whole new set of emotions. Growing as a person is always double sided. One side is the grieving process, grieving what you are letting go of, the comfort and support that you had in the old season. The other side is exploring the new season, moving forward, setting up new supports, making new friends, learning a new surrounding.
And yes those sounds and smells triggered this thought process. Did you know that your sense of smell is connected to your memory center in your brain? Just a fun fact, in case you need it.
So yes, I'm in a strange limbo, where I am calling two places home, and have to include an explanation of which of one I am talking about. I'm sure that it'll continue getting easier. I'm so excited about what I'm learning, and what I am doing, and I'm glad that Medford is so close.
God said to Noah, "this is the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and and all the flesh that is on the earth."
Genesis 9:17
As I was running to my car to get my math stuff this evening this rainbow caught my attention and everyone else's on campus, creating a "I don't mind if I'm late to class" kind of moment. It was a full rainbow and it was so bright, almost demanding everyone's attention. We all were taking pictures of it, none of us wanted to head indoors, it was spectacular. I can't remember the last time I saw a whole rainbow, let alone one so bright as this, I wish my camera did it justice. Portland is definitely showing off it's beauty this season. I don't think I could have picked a prettier place to live.
I went exploring today with a friend from church today. We went to the Rose Garden, which was the most beautiful spot I have ever seen!!! It was like stepping into the Secret Garden, or a Jane Austen book or Victoria's England. We also went over to the Pettlock Mansion which afforded the most spectacular view of Mt. Hood and all of Portland. I wish I could've gotten a good enough picture of the view to share, but my camera wasn't good enough, but take my word for it, it was beautiful.
The weather was so perfect for such exploring. Walking through the Rose Garden I thought of the line from the Secret Garden when Dickon tells Mary that there will be "curtains of roses."
Now I am ready for a nap, I accidentally stayed up too late last night. Instead I'm eating popcorn and watching the 2015 Cinderella. It's been pretty cold up here so I'm surprised there were as many roses left as there were.
Widow Tweed: We met, it seems, such a short time ago You looked at me - needing me so Yet from your sadness Our happiness grew And I found out I needed you too I remember how we used to play
I recall those rainy days The fire's glow That kept us warm And now I find - we're both alone
Goodbye may seem forever Farewell is like the end But in my heart is a memory And there you'll always be
Chorus: Goodbye may seem forever Farewell is like the end But in my heart is a memory And there you'll always be
After crying for the last two days, I have found a rest from the tears. Today I have had such a profound sense of peace, and the only thing bothering me is that my eyes are sore from all the water. Thank you to all who have been praying. I had a great conversation with some of the ladies in my small group last night, after I admitted that I was dealing with some homesickness she asked if I still thought my decision to move up here was a good one. If she had asked me last Wednesday I probably would've said maybe. But in the midst of missing home and all the people I have left, I was able to confidentially say yes. Yes I think that moving here was a good idea, it is moving me towards the goals, hopes and dreams. It's just been hard starting over, the goodbyes feel like forever, even though I know that they're not. Aside from roommates, who all have busy lives, I don't have friends that I can go hang out with, someone whom I can call up and make last minute evening plans with. I know that will come with time, but it doesn't help with the now.
This video clip described how I felt the last few days, and possibly the last several weeks subconsciously. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not giving up just yet. :)
This last weekend I was able to go back to Medford for the first time since being in Portland. In preparation for heading down I was dealing with a lot of emotions. Primarily I was worried that in going "home" I would come back and have to deal with homesickness all over again. I had been doing pretty good so far and really didn't want to break that cycle. But I was also super excited to sleep in my old bed, love on my sisters, see my parents and my one brother who is still home. It was so nice to go home and not worry about anything for a couple days. The last month and a half has been super amazing, I've been learning a lot at school, I love work and church is amazing, but one also is never fully prepared for living on your own till you experience for the first time. I knew I hadn't been sleeping very well since moving up here until Friday night, I wasn't even in Medford yet and my family was still traveling back to Oregon, it was just the anticipation of getting to relax that caused me to truly relax that night. It was so nice to sleep well. I also laughed more in the last three days then I have since I've been up here. Literally my stomach and sides are sore from how much I laughed, I also would just break into tears randomly. I can't even write this without crying, granted I'm a tad sleep deprived and jacked up on sugar and caffeine which doesn't help. Life works in such a way that in order to chase your goals and dreams you have to give up something else. It's harder than all get out!
One thing that made the weekend so wonderful was how many people were at church that I knew and had been missing. Reconnecting with the community that I had built down there was so encouraging. It was also a joy to surprise them, I had always wanted to do that. :) I'm not even joking! :) I do promise to say something next time though. That sense of community is something I'm still building up here and have been missing more intensely then I had realized. Seriously if any of you are up this way I will move heaven and earth to see you, just say the word. I loved getting to spend so much time with everyone, I only wish I had had more time! It doesn't help that my love language is quality time.
It was such an amazing weekend, so much was learned, relationships were deepened, sisters were loved on, I received some much needed rest and love. Funny story, I have had a hard time transitioning to how quiet my house in Portland is. I was so used to falling asleep to the sound of TMTO hangouts, which if you don't know how loud a group of musical theater kids are you are missing out, and sleeping in a perfectly quiet house was part of my sleep problem. Well last night a small group came over after I had gone to bed, it might have been one person even I don't know, low and behold I had gotten used to a quiet house and almost asked them to be quiet! Then I realized what was going on and I laughed at myself and then cried.
To say that there were a billion emotions this weekend and continuing to haunt me today is an understatement. I know this is normal, but it's exhausting. Yes I am normally an emotional person, but this is more then normal and I am done. There are moments when I just want to be done feeling like I am going to burst into tears. But there has been so much good, so many successes. I am more motivated to push on, to see what the future holds. There is so much happening in my life that is wonderful, gloriously so, I just have to make it through this little-big moment.
Also my sisters grew!! Like a lot! Not cool! But they also have gotten funnier, seriously they had me laughing so hard I cried. Also my brothers haircut threw me into a laugh attack. Anyway, it was wonderful to see those of you that I got to see and I hope to catch the rest of you when I come down next.
So yes... I'm going to post again about Star Trek Beyond, because, well, I can't help it :) I should be working on homework but I can't get this great movie off my mind. Over the last year I have watched all the Star Trek series except one and all the reboots. Maybe a little obsessively, but there was a certain draw to them besides my love for space, my desire to someday explore the final frontier and some of the best writing for TV I have yet to enjoy besides "Call the Midwife" and "Downtown Abbey." This something or maybe better put somethings plural, was the community, teamwork and friendships that are portrayed in the Star Trek universe. Series after series started out with a crew that had nothing in common, except that they were in starfleet. Yet by the middle of the first season they were a team, and by the end of that first season they were starting to establish friendships, and then they were a thriving community by the end. Yes there were conflicts amongst the crew members, but that's life. By the end of every series I would cry through the last episode for sure and maybe the second to last one as well ;/ Star Trek Beyond captured that very same feeling in just over 2 hours. There's one seen with Spock and Bones where literally I was laughing and crying so hard. Laughing because the dynamics between those 2 is just so wonderful and perfectly timed and captured, but crying because the emotion that was packed into the scene was perfectly intense. Kudos to Karl Urban and Zachary Quinto for an excellent performance. Anyway. Have a great rest of your summer. Live long and prosper. #startrek#startrekbeyond#bones#imadoctornotanegineer#spock#livelongandprosper#zacharyquinto#leonardnemoy#karlurban#deforrestkelley#icantgetenoughstartrekinmylife#whowillgowithmetospace#mysenseofadventureisstrongandgrowing
Well by now I have watched all of the Star Trek series and all the movies except for 4 of them. Yes I love Star Trek and what I said in the above Facebook post.
When we are children, we live off stories. We want to take part in the journey to destroy the ring with Frodo and the Fellowship, go to Narnia with the Pevensys, take flight with Han Solo and Chewbacca, and explore the Final Frontier with the crew of the Enterprise. As we get older we tend to loose sight of what makes stories such a vital part of our day. They're not just important to keep us young, but to help us even if it's for a moment to step into another's world and see things through their eyes. Too often we think they're a child's thing, but in reality we need what they have to offer just as much. We can still learn life lessons, how to be empathetic. They allow us to see how the world could be, how we could be.
When I was a kid, my friends and brothers and I would pretend we were Jedi fighting for Middle-earth blissfully unaware of how difficult it is to meld those two story lines together, but we entered those worlds simultaneously loving every second of it. I still have my lightsaber, it's scuffed up, well used, it saved me in many a dual, was my trusty companion for years. I wanted to have hobbit feet, I was tired of the hassle of shoes, and envied my literary companions their good luck.
Stories shape a child's outlook, how they play, what interests them. Written stories as well as those on the big screen. Growing up the rule was always, if there is a book to the movie, you read the book first, then you can watch the movie. A rule like this creates a deeper dimension to the story that just enjoying one medium that any story is told through is capable of portraying. To be effective it had to be relatable, connecting with the reader or viewer, giving them some legitimate reason why they should stick around. When finished it should leave you with that feeling that you have lost a good friend.
Today I went and saw the new Pete's Dragon in theater, in between classes, and I cried. Through the whole thing. Not even kidding. Don't worry I won't give anything away, there's power in experiencing a story for the first time, that includes remakes. It starts out hitting you with some intense emotions, then gives you a little bit of a break, pulling out a few tears hear and there, then WHAM! right in the middle started the onslaught of feels. I could not stop crying. The screenwriters were kind enough to let me come up for air a few times, but they weren't big swallows, just enough. I will allow that I was feeling a tad bit emotional before starting the movie, and had already cried outside of the movie, so it could've been that the movie was the icing on the cake. I was just just glad I was in that theater by myself. It was almost as bad as my viewings of War Horse, that is a story for another time. What I loved most was how Elliott took care of Pete. He was a true friend, making sure that Pete knew he was loved, that he had worth and that his voice counted for something. And to top of this undivided care and love for Pete, Elliot extended the same love to the other children, giving them the not so quite gift of undivided attention, letting them know that they are valuable. He even extended that gift to the adults who were willing to receive that gift and pay it forward. Included in this fierce love of his was this desire to protect those whom he loved with his life.
Having the whole theater to myself I was able to interact with the film in the moment. I was cheering characters on, telling them when what they were doing was a bad idea, and flinching when bad things happened, and verbally, not just in my head. Yes I cry a lot, but there are very few people whom I will let see a full on cry, which usually entails of all the tears and then some in my tear ducts, which causes my nose to start profusely running and with all this liquid coming out of my face my face to get bright red. I will rewatch a movie so that I can get this and of cry out, cause yes it's therapeutic. With the theater to myself I felt ok with letting the tears and the sounds out.
Elliott was like a giant, green, cow, dog, and cat with wings. His eyes had a depth that went on forever. He was whole-heartedly in the moment, playful, loving, and loyal to a fault. And still had that wild mystery about him that kept you wondering like Lucy of Aslan, "Is he safe?"
One of my favorite violinists made it on the soundtrack for the movie, and the words really caught my ear. The words hit home because they brought home the feeling that not only children feel and express, but that adults feel just as acutely but have a harder time dealing with. I included the lyrics and the video so that you could listen and benefit from it.
You had your maps drawn You had other plans To hang your hopes on Every road they let you down felt so wrong So you found another way
You've got a big heart The way you see the world It got you this far You might have some bruises And a few of scars But you know you're gonna be okay
And even though you're scared You're stronger than you know
If you're lost out where the lights are blinding Caught in all, the stars are hiding That's when something wild calls you home, home If you face the fear that keeps you frozen Chase the sky into the ocean That's when something wild calls you home, home
Sometimes the past can Make the ground benneath you feel like a quicksand You don't have to worry You reach for my hand Yeah I know you're gonna be okay You're gonna be okay
And even if you're scared You're stronger than you know
If you're lost out where the lights are blinding Caught in all, the stars are hiding That's when something wild calls you home, home If you face the fear that keeps you frozen Chase the sky into the ocean That's when something wild calls you home, home
Calls you home
Calls you home
Calls you home
Calls you home
If you're lost out where the lights are blinding
Caught in all, the stars are hiding That's when something wild calls you home
If you're lost out where the lights are blinding Caught in all, the stars are hiding That's when something wild calls you home, home If you face the fear that keeps you frozen Chase the sky into the ocean That's when something wild calls you home, home
Stories draw us together, giving us that unique connection that few things do. They tug at our hearts, sometimes for reasons we don't quite understand yet, but someday they will come to mind and give us strength. They can inspire us to do things that are bigger then ourselves, knowing that the "folk in those stories had every opportunity of turning back, only they didn't, they kept going, cause they were holding onto something," (Samwise Gamgee)
This last week was so interesting. It was a mixed bag of excitement, mild stress and tiredness, which of course leave you wondering at the end of the week what it was that you accomplished. It was the first week where I had school and work, and my professors didn't waste any time in handing out homework. I'm excited about school, my professors are all nice, for the first time in my college experience I have all women professors, which isn't bad, it's just different. My ASL class is ASL 150 which means it's an accelerated course and so in a mere 12 weeks we will cover all of ASL 101 and half of ASL 102, oh did I mention it's a full emersion class, no spoken English allowed during class time. Which is all fine and dandy till I have to ask something or state a fact, My receptive language is better then my expressive language, yes I can carry a conversation, but my strength there is that I can get myself into trouble but not out of it. This is the class I'm most excited about and I am so grateful it's what starts my day 2x a week. My other classes are a Writing class and a Math class. I'm going to have to restrain myself from completely reusing all my papers from last fall for my writing class, but I can neither confirm nor deny the fact that I am doing that for the first paper that is due. And math... I don't know how to gauge my excitement over this class. It's not that I don't enjoy math, after the second class and some homework I am actually beginning to like it, it helps that my professor makes class enjoyable and isn't a snobby math professor.
Yes it has been a good week. I think that a lot of the stress is because I got to Tuesday and all I wanted to do for the rest of the week was sleep. I have no idea why I was so tired all week, but I was. Maybe it was all the new transitions in my life in such a short amount of time, I don't know. I will admit I haven't been very productive today. I've been trying to get myself motivated to do something, anything, but all I've succeeded in doing after rolling out of bed is start a load of laundry.
Had the feeling a couple times this week that I am indeed a small fish in a much larger pond. It is one of those feelings that I have been feeling really mildly at the back of all the other feelings that are going on in my little heart, but it really came to light after my second day of school. So many of my fellow students had friends from past terms at school, people they were looking forward to seeing, there's a lot of people there guys!! But before I know it friendships will form. Looking forward to next week and all it has for me. There has been so much joy this week, so much so that I keep pinching my arm to make sure I'm not dreaming!
I am so in awe of who God works in our lives, yes there are moments when I would like to know right away what He has planned but I am always glad I waited for His timing in things. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend filled with wonderful things and great people.
