Fear of Death

In a fallen world torn by death and disease and destruction we are often faced with moments that seem to overwhelming to comprehend. This last year has seen the deaths of many people who were at the forefront of our society. People whom many of us grew up pretending to be. They gave us so much through their art, their lives and their talents. When someone close to us dies it creates a wound so deep, making it seem as though life cannot go on without them, and when it does there's an even harder dilemma of what to change and what to keep the same in our lives. There's a desire to keep everything absolutely as it had been with that loved one and at the same time a need to change everything. Sometimes this separation isn't caused by death, but by other causes that create rifts in relationships that will no longer be quite the same. This fear of being left alone, left behind, left out. In Luisa May Alcott's book Little Women describes this feeling well.  I have included the scene below.

Stories help us with the difficult things in life. Help us deal with emotions that are overwhelming, giving us a safe place to sort them out. Whether the stories are told in film, book, art or music it doesn't matter. I think this is one of the reasons God gave us the ability to tell stories. It also makes it hard when a beloved storyteller dies. This year has seen the death of several actors/actress's and musicians. Watching the movies they worked on, listening to their final albums has become more meaningful.

Death is a scary thing. Scary because it's not natural. We were never created for such an end. Death is part of the curse that was brought on by our fall in the garden. It is meant to make us uneasy standing out as a stark reminder of what we have lost but also what we have to look forward to. None of us know when, where or how we each will die but it is not for us to know. With this uneasiness we should move forward with greater passion, a greater desire to serve God and each other, there is so much in our lives that we could do without that gets in the way of us loving each other the way we should.

2016 has been a rough year on many fronts, but I have a proposal for 2017. Let us use this fear of death to motivate us to live life to the fullest, to take those risks, to love those around us with the love of Jesus Christ. Regardless of what the future holds lets not let the enemy overwhelm us by the many defeats of the past. So here's to a prosperous new year!

                                       

Merry Christmas

This is a little late. I was hoping to get it out by Christmas day at least but sometimes our best intentions don't happen. But at least it can be a belated Christmas post right. :)

This Christmas season was a little different for me, mostly because it was the first time I was away for most of December, so I had to come up with a few traditions of my own, which was harder then I thought. Traditions are a lot more meaningful when you share them with others but I was able to come up with a few little things to do.

As I was pondering the Christmas story a lot over the last month I kept thinking about Mary and Joseph and what must have been going through their minds and hearts not only in the months leading up to Jesus's birth but throughout Jesus's life. Especially Joseph since we know a little bit  more about  Mary. How does one parent the Son of God? They must have had it pretty easy with Him, talk about a shock when the other kids came! I had watched a movie called Mary and Joseph which was ok as far as movies go, but it focused mostly on Joseph and his role as Jesus's earthly father. I still haven't thought all the way through that idea but it's definitely interesting to think about.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a wonderful New Year!

Hopes, Dreams, and Goals

Purpose is hard to come by. Sometimes it seems like everyone around you has found their purpose, discovered what it is that God wants them to be doing, except for yourself. That terrible feeling of being adrift at sea and not being able to fix it. But then all of a sudden you find that purpose, and life feels like its on fast forward. Things fall into place and it seems like everything you touch turns to gold. At least that was what it felt like for me and still does.

With this vision you go forward with everything you've got, preparing, learning, searching. Everything seems at this point to be going smoothly, till all of a sudden your strength in your desire is tested. There's that horrible moment when everything seems to be going wrong and you begin to wonder if what you want to do or what you are doing is the right the thing or if you should quite. I had a few weeks within the last few months when I thought that I should just stop, quite while I was ahead. But as I looked around at all the other options nothing jumped out at me as the one thing that I should do. The longer and harder I thought I realized that I was still right where God wants me. 

Life is messy. I'm messy. You're probably messy too. That's what makes us human. It's no wonder the Dessert Fathers were such saints. When you eliminate the human factors you can really become godly and as saint like as you could imagine. That also kinda sounded appealing for a fraction of a second then I realized that I would have only myself for company and that did not sound like a good idea. 

I am so thankful that God gave me that period to really test that what I was doing was from Him and that I wasn't just doing something that I wanted to do or that I thought He wanted me to do. He's given me a big task, one that He's still revealing to me, that I am super excited about, one that keeps developing and morphing and getting more big everyday. It's also terrifying. It wakes me up at night sometimes and causes a tad bit of anxiety. But it's a good anxiety, keeps me on my toes. I don't ever want to become complacent. I don't just serve people, I serve God through serving these people. Yes I still get tired, I still make mistakes, I'm human, but that's also not an excuse to not do my best, to strive to do my best in every situation. Remembering that I am still human and that I can't always to do the same quality work without taking care of myself is also important. I was trying to take care of everyone else, to please everyone else without realizing that I needed some time to allow for myself to rest or do what I needed to, which caused some of the questioning. Now I think I am better equipped to go forward. It's a hard balance especially when you're a people-pleaser like myself. Saying no is not my forte. But I am getting better at it. I think. 

Here's to a new year, and many new experiences ahead! Here's hoping the rest of 2016 is mellow. 

The Snowman

As I entered into this Christmas season I contemplated Christmases past in relation to what this season was going to be like. And as I thought I began to think about family traditions that happen in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Traditions like going to the Gingerbread Jubilee, or going out the boondocks to get a tree. Even the simple traditions of what music was playing in the background. And as I thought and as the season has gone on I realized that maybe, just maybe I should come up with a few traditions of my own for the weeks prior to Christmas. But then finals hit. And setting in motion any kind of Christmas traditions that didn't revolve around school didn't seem possible. I had to remind myself that the reason I am here is for school, and that I am indeed loving every minute of it (although if anyone has any tips on how to get more sleep during finals will always be a hero in my book.)

Finals are not over yet, but I have, I think, managed to set in motion at least one tradition. A tradition that is a throw back to my childhood. When my brothers and I would go to our grandparents house they had this 30 minute VHS that was about this little boy who built a snowman and they went on an amazing adventure to the North Pole. While there they meet Santa Clause and have a party with all the other snowmen. Upon returning home the boy goes to bed and when he wakes up his Snowman has melted. This last scene has always left me with a haunting feeling. The feeling that life changes even if we're not ready for that change. Change is good even though there are moments when it is hard for us to see the good. But what we will always have are the memories of times past and the memories that we are making now. Just before the Snowman takes the boy to the North Pole the music becomes intensely beautiful, giving you the feeling that something wonderful is about to happen. The Snowman walks out of the shed where he was just sitting in the deep freezer as though it where a hot tub, and proceeds to leave. The boy thinking that he is about to lose his friend looks forlorn, but then the boy decides to join him on his journey. And it's within that moment the boy embarks on an adventure of a lifetime!

 This short movie is told entirely without words, just like the book it's based off of. The artwork is beautiful and the soundtrack is amazing. While doing some Christmas shopping the other day I found the most beautiful copy of the book. I had never seen the book before in my life but felt like I was holding a very close friend in my hands. Every time I'm around snow I wish I could make a snowman that looked just like this snowman. He's just so friendly looking, like he was meant to be a friend to every child, one who would stick with you through everything. I think that's why the ending gets me every time. That last picture of the boy looking at the melted remains of the Snowman is a reminder that nothing on this earth is forever, except for the promise that we have in Christ.

And yes I have watched the movie at least 4 times in the last few weeks and I watched it just before making my little snowman at the top of this post. :) I look forward to making the book more a part of this tradition now that I have a copy of it within my possession. Merry Christmas!!

Post-Thanksgiving

I'm a little late but I got home and hit the books, finals started and so did the Christmas season. My question is who's brilliant thought it was to have Fall Finals during the Christmas season! To much to keep track of in one short amount of time.

Anyway Thanksgiving was great!!!

What a wonderful weekend spent with family and friends, good food and birthday celebrations. I had a hard time deciding whether to jump all the  way in with socializing and wanting to just watch everyone, which is a true struggle y'all. To keep from rambling on and on I want to share some moments with you guys that made Thanksgiving so wonderful for me.

Moment #1 - Friday night I was watching The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe with my little sisters and just before Aslan allowed the witch to kill him I paused the movie to explain to the girls what was going to take place and as I'm explaining Anna bursts into tears, full on crocodile tears and sobbing and she asks me why he is going to let her do that and if the movie was going to have a happy ending or not. Aslan (played by Liam Nissan) had only been properly introduced minutes earlier and she was already so in love with him that she didn't want him to die. This was a great learning moment for both of us I think. It offered Anna the visual learning tool to see in our limited storytelling capabilities what Christ did for us on the cross. And for me it reiterated the immense amount of reasons that I'm the one who deserved to fie on that cross yet Christ selfless redeemed my life and let the wickedness of my own sin take Him there.

Moment #2: I absolutely loved getting to spend time with my family. Nothing makes you appreciate the noisiness and the people that make up your family. The silliness, the extremely late nights (or really early mornings depending on how you look at it) the catching up.

Moment #3: Esther and I did lot's of coloring together. I love to color and so does she so it's something that we do together and on our own.

There were so many more but I waited too long to write about them. Merry Christmas!!!