I know, I know, I'm only 24, I have my whole life ahead of me, plenty of time to find the "right one", my knight in shining armor. In high school for some reason the fact that I had never dated, didn't seem to bother me. I was waiting for the right guy, waiting because there was no one that I would even consider dating, not right then at least. Then I graduated high school and friends started getting married and still my knight had not come. Mind you I wasn't expecting perfection, nobody's perfect, I was and still am very aware of my own faults. I enjoyed the friendships I had with guys, but they just weren't the one if you follow, not dating material if you will. Yes I've had crushes, most girls do, so I'm told, but it's been several years since that happened. Over the last week or so my heart has learned to feel again. Some of the feels took me off guard, I either forgot they were a thing or just didn't know one could feel that way.
Now, don't get me wrong, I trust God whole heartedly with every single aspect of my life, and that includes any kind of relationship no matter what. Being human there are moments when I want to take the reins and yet I've discovered that when you simply trust Him, He blesses you in the most unexpected ways.
This last year has been filled with lot's of those little (they seem little but their catastrophic) blessings. Last summer(2015), I was blessed with the opportunity to intern with an amazing organization in Virginia. That was an opportunity and adventure that I will always cherish. That Fall I started school at a Bible College back in Oregon. School wasn't the only change in my life at that point. Through some other changes I started dealing with what felt like pretty intense loneliness. I look back now and thank God profusely for having me be in Bible College during that time and for the fact that I had to be in His word daily due to homework. My love for Him has grown so deep, deeper then I thought possible. He was doing a work in me that needed to be done. Prior to this last year I was constantly pining to be in a relationship, to be done with being the odd man out, the professional third wheel.
Within the last few weeks, maybe even a few months ago I was able to feel content in this season of singleness, and then He gave me purpose. Just about the time I reached these places together, I was at church, and I just got the feeling that I was loved, truly loved. Like the kind I assume one feels when there is a significant other. But I was still very single at that point. The right guy just wasn't there yet. Needless to say I don't really know what the sermon was about that Sunday I was a tad bit distracted. The feeling lasted for the whole service and then ended right when church ended. It was the strangest experience. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Part of me thinks that God was slowly, or quickly, tearing down the walls I had built, behind which I had sealed all those feelings of being worthy of that kind of love. I had gotten to the point of surrender. Surrender because I felt like being single with out ever being asked out just once in my life I somehow wasn't worth anyone's time. Friends told me that wasn't true, but there just wasn't anything to back up what they were saying.
Yes it is hard to wait when it feels like all those around me have at one point enjoyed a relationship, whether that meant being made aware that a guy was interested enough in them to let them know in some way, or even if they had recently broken up. They had experienced something that I never had. It's hard to remember as Amy from Little Women put it, "You don't need scores of suitors. You just need one. If he's the right one." But never doubt for a minute that you my dear are worth it. Despite all the feelings to the contrary, you are worth it. Yes it's hard. Beware of the ever present pity party waiting to happen, simmering below the surface as you watch yet another friend enter a relationship or get married or have kids. Don't only try to be happy for them, be happy for them and find the joy in the season of life you're in.
I know, it's hard. Trust me, I know. It's hard at every age. And I think for women who want to have kids there's that extra worry that time is running out.
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