Purpose is hard to come by. Sometimes it seems like everyone around you has found their purpose, discovered what it is that God wants them to be doing, except for yourself. That terrible feeling of being adrift at sea and not being able to fix it. But then all of a sudden you find that purpose, and life feels like its on fast forward. Things fall into place and it seems like everything you touch turns to gold. At least that was what it felt like for me and still does.
With this vision you go forward with everything you've got, preparing, learning, searching. Everything seems at this point to be going smoothly, till all of a sudden your strength in your desire is tested. There's that horrible moment when everything seems to be going wrong and you begin to wonder if what you want to do or what you are doing is the right the thing or if you should quite. I had a few weeks within the last few months when I thought that I should just stop, quite while I was ahead. But as I looked around at all the other options nothing jumped out at me as the one thing that I should do. The longer and harder I thought I realized that I was still right where God wants me.
Life is messy. I'm messy. You're probably messy too. That's what makes us human. It's no wonder the Dessert Fathers were such saints. When you eliminate the human factors you can really become godly and as saint like as you could imagine. That also kinda sounded appealing for a fraction of a second then I realized that I would have only myself for company and that did not sound like a good idea.
I am so thankful that God gave me that period to really test that what I was doing was from Him and that I wasn't just doing something that I wanted to do or that I thought He wanted me to do. He's given me a big task, one that He's still revealing to me, that I am super excited about, one that keeps developing and morphing and getting more big everyday. It's also terrifying. It wakes me up at night sometimes and causes a tad bit of anxiety. But it's a good anxiety, keeps me on my toes. I don't ever want to become complacent. I don't just serve people, I serve God through serving these people. Yes I still get tired, I still make mistakes, I'm human, but that's also not an excuse to not do my best, to strive to do my best in every situation. Remembering that I am still human and that I can't always to do the same quality work without taking care of myself is also important. I was trying to take care of everyone else, to please everyone else without realizing that I needed some time to allow for myself to rest or do what I needed to, which caused some of the questioning. Now I think I am better equipped to go forward. It's a hard balance especially when you're a people-pleaser like myself. Saying no is not my forte. But I am getting better at it. I think.
Here's to a new year, and many new experiences ahead! Here's hoping the rest of 2016 is mellow.
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